Ishape

My Ushape post made me think about this- My shape. 

All my 23 years, I have been towards the chubbier side. In fact, I have been told that. There's just more than enough fats in every area except my hands and feet. My face is also round, though now less round than last time. I guess my body is protecting me because I feel cold easily haha. 

18 years old me

21 years old me, face at its slimmest

I belong to a family where I am the shortest. I am also the heavier child among the children. I think all of them have used the word fat on me before, even if they meant no harm. Sometimes, I am told that my sister looks better in a dress I just bought (and freaking love). It is not that I cannot fit into that dress, but rather someone just looks better in it than me. Oh that's nice to hear. And even though I don't see myself as short, somehow this label is on me because of the comparison in the family. For years, I have been hearing "Your sister taller than you liao ar", and my mum would go "yea she is short/shortest". Is it my fault that my parents didn't manage to give me that height? And I am not short, they are just tall.

On most days, I am a confident girl. I feel that this is me. There is no way I can look modelly even if I go on diets or crazy workouts. I have broad shoulders and wide hips. Even if I lost the weight, I don't believe I will ever be skinny. On other days, I feel big and ugly. This usually happens when I have nothing to wear. Nothing that will make me feel good about myself. Nothing that can bring out my good and hide my bad. These days are horrible because I would want to get out immediately to buy some clothes that will make me feel awesome.

An article I read stated that a woman who exercises feels better about herself, and I think that is true. I am not an athlete, but I make an effort to get my ass down for a short 15 minutes run. I don't binge eat as much now. And I realised I don't always avoid the stairs now. But all these conscious effort are not entirely for weight loss. I prefer to firm up and get fit and healthy. "You got exercise meh?", somebody had asked me before. No doubt, that person is looking at my body, wondering how could I have exercised when I'm still the same chubby me. You know, I exercise to stay healthy more than to lose weight.

If I say that I don't care what people think of me, I am lying. But because I understood that everybody has their own unique shape and there is no point in pursuing the ideal society-stated body, I don't get hurt that easily with negative words thrown at me. I think that attacking someone based on their appearance is the lowest form. It's like you have nothing better than the person, therefore you use appearance as your weapon to bring someone down.

But if you are my friend, I tend to get irritated if you target at my body. Although I know that you may be joking, and I will not take it to heart, but I will still get irritated. It's like you, who is my friend, don't even know what I am going through. You can be nice and tell me if I put on some weight from the last time you have seen me, but never compare me with someone else because I will be pissed off.

Words may hurt, but my mind is stronger.